Choices
by morning sunlight
Summary: Post Devil's Trap. Sequel to 'There's a Way Through to the Other Side' and 'Moving On'. Dean is faced with a choice that has to be made and he can't keep everyone happy.
1. An Unexpected Visitor

**_Choices

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**_Disclaimer_**: Supernatural doesn't belong to me, nor does Dean, Sam, or the other characters you recognise. I am making no money so please don't come looking for me.

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**_Warning_**: some references and implied violence as the story progresses

**_Spoilers_** - post-end of Series 1 Devil's Trap so some passing mention of events in Season episodes such as Faith, Home, Devil's Trap etc.

_**Author's Note:** Depending which episode I have watched most recently, my feelings about John Winchester vary. If you are a fan of JW - don't read and flame - this story for reasons best known to itself was not kind to him - if that is going to upset you, please don't read on._

**Author's Note (2):** _Thanks Rae for your continued support_.

**_Author's Note (3) - this story is a sequel to 'There's a Way Through to the Other Side' and 'Moving On'. Events in this story will make more sense if you have read those stories (I Hope!).

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_**

_**Chapter 1 - An Unexpected Visitor**_

It's good to be out of the classroom. Not that I'm not enjoying it, but on days like today, I can't get used to being stuck indoors for hours at a time. Just to sit for a few minutes and bask in the sunshine makes it worth savouring the moment. I ought to call Bobby and let him know I'm out for the day, in case he's waiting for me. 

I open the phone and flick to his number. He picks up almost immediately. "Yep, it's me... that's right, finished for the day... uh-huh, do you want me to go do some shopping?...No...Okay... Okay, I'll see you in 15 here... No it's fine, I'll just enjoy the sun. See you then." 

I sit down on the wall outside the education centre to wait. 

"Dean! I thought it was you as I drove past. No surprise to find you still round here. I see your phone does work. You changed the number?" 

I go cold at the sound of the voice. All this time, when I have worried about him and now Dad's stood here and I have frozen in front of him. "Um, yes, no, new phone and new number. That's right." 

"New phone, new number, they look like new clothes. What's going on, Dean? Feeling flush? Been hustling? 

"Er.. no sir, no hustling." 

"So where'd the money come from then?" 

"Working, I guess." 

"Right, what about hunting? Have you even bothered?" 

"It's not like that, I still..." 

"You're still sitting around on your ass. What was the matter with the old phone? I've been trying to get in touch with you." 

"It broke in the accident. Sam got me a new one. I guess, I never thought about letting you know, I just didn't think..." 

"No, you don't think, do you soldier?" 

"I guess, I figured you'd call Sam if you needed us." 

"Right, because your brother is so good at answering when I call. So what are you doing sitting here then?" 

"I'm waiting for a lift." 

"From?" 

"Bobby. I'm staying out with him." I know it's the wrong thing to say but I just can't think of a lie to replace it with. 

"It's one thing about you Dean. You're predictable when you're weak. It's time you'd pulled yourself together and got back to hunting. That is where your priority should be. Anyway, I'm guessing Bobby is going to be here soon and I don't want to speak to him so I'm going. I have a question for you first though Dean. Do you still know what's important? Does family still count to you?" 

"Yes, of course it does." 

"Family should be a strong unit, Dean. You didn't keep ours strong. You let ours break. You helped Sam go and look what happened. You want it back? You want me back?" 

"Yeah, Dad." 

"We'll meet again then. When? Where?" 

"Friday, here, same time." 

"It better be worth my while, a longer time to chat, Dean. Oh yeah, if you want me to stick around long enough to rebuild the family, don't tell Bobby. The choice is yours." 

"No sir." 

"You'd better think about being ready to get back in the hunt as well. Time is a wasting Dean. You have obligations to fulfill." With that parting shot, he stalks off. 

I have wanted Dad to come back and join us since the accident, his continued absence has ached inside but now he's here and... it doesn't feel good or right and I can't help feeling I've made a mistake in agreeing to meet him on Friday. 

"Dean, you coming?" I look up into Bobby's face. He's smiling and his eyes are warm. It's such a contrast to Dad's reaction. I climb in the truck and he pulls away. 

I stare out of the window as Bobby drives and think. I need to be ready for Friday. I need to know what I want before I meet with Dad. I know what he's going to want. If I do what he want, I'm giving all of this up. I can't expect Bobby to take me back in again if it all goes to hell and there is no one else. I'll be throwing in school as well and I'm even nearer to graduating this time. But he is my Dad, I owe him. I owe it to Mom to look out for him. 

"Dean?" 

"Huh? Yeah?" 

"Geez, boy! Where are you? I've been talking to you for the last ten minutes without a reaction. I was beginning to think you'd died on me." 

"Sorry, just thinking, miles away." 

"Dean, you don't look so good. You not feeling well?" 

"I'm fine, don't worry." 

"Maybe you should take it easy this afternoon. One afternoon off won't do any harm. No point knocking yourself when you've got so much coming up at school. An afternoon's rest will refresh you, you'll be ready to start again tomorrow." 

"I'm fine." 

"Okay, you're fine, but I don't want you to do anything for me this afternoon."

"But..." 

"In fact, I think we'll both take the afternoon off and I think Sam's home early today isn't he?" 

"Sam?" 

"Your brother, Sam, finishing early today?" 

"Is he? Umm, I guess." 

"You're not with it at all. Has something happened?" 

"No, nothing, nothing important. It's fine. I'm fine." 

"Okay. How about I make lunch. You rest and when Sam gets home, the two of you go for a walk?" 

"A walk where?" 

"Out, fresh air, just time away, remember that?" 

"I suppose I could do that, if Sam wants to." 

"Talk him into it Dean, persuade him. The sun is shining, take advantage, the weather will change again soon enough." 

"Huh? Weather?"

"Never mind." 

I'm glad he's given up talking as I just can't keep track of the conversation. My mind keeps flitting back to Dad, how severe he looked, pissed he sounded. Do I want to go back to that life? To him? What would Mom want me to do?

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	2. Recognising Something Changing

"Dean? Dean! Something the matter with your hearing dude? Geez. Bobby said you were thinking about going for a walk. Still thinking of going? Want some company?" 

"Yeah, Sam. Sure. I'll come with you if you want to go for a walk." 

"I was suggesting that I came ... never mind... you good to go?"

"Huh?" 

"Good to go, Dean? Ready to leave?" 

"Yeah, just... I ... I need my shoes. Hang on." 

"Bobby? He banged his head or something? He's not with it at all."

"I know what you mean, lad, but nothing so far as I know. He seemed fine when he called me for a lift but when I got to pick him up about 15 minutes later, he looked out of sorts and hasn't really been right since. Trying to talk to him is difficult to say the least." 

"Maybe the walk will help clear his head." Sam turns back towards Dean's room and calls, "Dude, you ready yet?" No answer. He walks forward and pushes the door open to see Dean sat on the edge of the bed looking at something in his hands. Sam walks in and sits beside his brother, "Dean? You okay?" 

"Sam? Shit, I came to get my shoes. Geez, sorry man." 

"What've ya got?" 

"Huh? Nothing, it's nothing. I'm ready. Let's go." Dean let what he'd been holding drift to the bed. 

Sam looked and recognised it instantly. He'd had his own copy of the photo once, probably still did somewhere but it wasn't something he felt the need to keep close track of anymore. He'd got some more recent photos of himself and Dean, they were more important but he supposed Dean remembered to some extent the time before the fire, however, dim and tarnished the memory might be. 

The boys hit the trail outside Bobby's at an easy pace. Sam figured he could try probing to find out what was on his brother's mind as they walked. "So you thinking about when we were kids, then?"

"Kids? Us, oh the photo, you mean. No, not exactly." 

"Thinking about Dad then?" 

"Yeah well, Dad. Not really, not like that, a bit but it's okay, Sam, it's not you know, anything to worry about." 

"Dean, Dad will be fine. He always is, you shouldn't worry about him so much. He's not worth the wasted energy." 

"No, sure. You're right. He'll be fine like you say. Nothing to worry about, nothing at all." 

"Dean, what's up?" 

"How do you know? How do you work it out?" 

"Work what out, Dean?" 

"The right thing to do." 

"Not following you. You're going to have to give me more than that to work with." 

"Like when you're making a choice, how do you know which is the right one? How do you know you're doing the right thing?" 

"I guess you don't you just go with whatever seems right at the time. Whatever feels best. Why? You making a decision about something?" 

"I don't know, maybe. Do you like just make the choice or do you think what would she want me to do? Would she think I was doing the right thing?" 

"She? Dean, who? Mom? Are you worrying about what Mom would think?" 

"I think she'd like the fact you went to Stanford. I mean, I don't remember her ever really saying stuff like that about College but I think she used to say it was important to learn stuff, learn as much as you can." 

"Dean, it was a long time ago." 

"I just, you know, wonder sometimes, whether I've done enough to make her proud." 

"I'm sure you have, Dean. I'm sure she'd be proud of you." 

"Maybe. Sometimes I'm not sure. Sometimes I think I've made the wrong choices." 

"Dean, everyone does sometimes but so long as you've tried to do the right thing, it'll be okay." 

"I don't know. She'd have hated the hustling and the card scams and when I stole stuff." 

"Yeah, but we've stopped that now, she'd respect that. When did you steal stuff? You mean like cars for jobs?" 

"That too." 

"When else Dean? What else?" 

"Food. Dad was away, we were hungry, I stole some stuff from a store. She'd hate me doing that." 

"Yes she would, but she wouldn't blame you. She'd be sad for you, that's all." 

"Maybe." 

"Why are you worrying about what Mom would have wanted now? Is there something I should know?" Sam watches him intently, wondering what is making him so preoccupied by what he thinks his Mom would want. 

"She's always loved you, Sammy. You were special. She used to say that all the time. Sammy's our special baby. We're lucky to have him." 

"She loved you too, Dean." 

"I nearly shot her." Sam can hear the horror in his voice at the memory of the events in Lawrence. "I didn't recognise her, you did though. I didn't recognise her." 

"Dean, it wasn't like that, you didn't have time." Sam has no idea how to assuage his brother's sense of failure. "She knew." 

"She came for you." It is in those four words that Sam can hear the deep hurt in his brother's heart. The feeling of having been abandoned by both parents. Despite his every attempt to live his life to please them, he had been deserted and there would never be anything Sam could do to change that for him. 

"Mom always thought family was important. She used to say how I had to be a good brother." 

"You've done fine, Dean. Honestly, a great brother, that's you. Stop worrying about it." 

"Not a good son, though. Never managed that, did I?" 

"So, this is about Dad?" 

"What would have to happen for you to want us to be a family again, Sam?" 

"Dean, we've talked about this before. WE are a family. You and me, that's our family and Bobby I guess. We're settled, we're sorted, we've got a home, Dean. This is the best we've ever had it. Aren't you happy? Is there something missing? I didn't think you were missing Dad, you haven't said anything about him in... god, I don't know how long. I guess I was wrong when I thought maybe you'd realised he wasn't worth it." 

"I know what you're saying, Sam. I do. I am happy. I was happy but then I got to thinking what would Mom say, you know, to us cutting him off like that? How disappointed would she be in me?" 

"Dean, man. You don't see it at all, do you? If she's going to be disappointed in you or me for that matter, her priorities were screwed. How do you think she looks at him knowing what he did? How he left us alone, how he left you to bring me up, how you had to steal and hustle and scam because of him, how he used to hit you? What about him cutting me off? What about him walking out on us in the hospital or calling me to leave with him, leaving you alone? Do you honestly think we don't have a reason to put an end to it?" 

"But he does it for a reason, he does it for her." 

"No, not anymore, he does it for revenge. Dean, he does it because we let him and no-one calls him on it. The only times you've said no and he's put you in hospital. Dean, she would never want that for you. She was your mother, no mother could want that for their children. Believe me." 

"God, I hope you're right." Sam watches Dean as they walk. There is obviously more to the conversation, something else that he wasn't talking about, but Sam couldn't work out what. 

There was no way for Dad to have been in touch with Dean without him or Bobby knowing about it unless Dean contacted him. Sam had quite deliberately trashed Dean's phone when he was still out of it in the hospital after Dad had left. Dad had shown his true colours and Sam had decided then not to let Dean be drawn back into the abusive cycle. He'd got a new phone and a new number and Dean had never questioned it. As far as he knew Dean had made no attempt to call Dad and Dad couldn't have found out his number. So what exactly had triggered this?

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	3. Time is Running Out

**_Choices

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_**

**_Disclaimer_**: Supernatural doesn't belong to me, nor does Dean, Sam, or the other characters you recognise. I am making no money so please don't come looking for me.

* * *

**_Warning_**: some references and implied violence as the story progresses 

**_Spoilers_** - post-end of Series 1 Devil's Trap so some passing mention of events in Season episodes such as Faith, Home, Devil's Trap etc.

_**Author's Note:** Depending which episode I have watched most recently, my feelings about John Winchester vary. If you are a fan of JW - don't read and flame - this story for reasons best known to itself was not kind to him - if that is going to upset you, please don't read on._

**Author's Note (2):** _Thanks Rae for your continued support_.

**_Author's Note (3) - this story is a sequel to 'There's a Way Through to the Other Side' and 'Moving On'. Events in this story will make more sense if you have read those stories (I Hope!).

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_**

_**Chapter 3 - Time is Running Out**_

Friday! It doesn't matter what I think, what I decide I am going to have to deal with him one way or another tomorrow. Not that I know what I'm going to do yet. It's going to be nasty whatever I decide, I'm going to piss off either Dad or Sam and Bobby. 

I can't say I've hidden it very well but I can say they haven't worked out what I'm hiding which is something I suppose. 

I've played it out every way I can think of and short of just not being there when he comes, I can't think of any happy solutions to the scene. I tried to find my duffle bag, figured I could pack some stuff in case I decide to go with him, but not only can I not find it anywhere, I can't exactly load it into the truck with me in the morning without some reaction from Bobby. I haven't even managed to come up with an excuse for not needing picked up at the usual time yet. I just can't think straight. 

It's time I started making something for us all to eat this evening before Sam gets home. Bobby will be in any time. I've achieved nothing this afternoon. I gave Bobby a hand this morning which at least kept me working with no time to think. On my own this afternoon, I've neither been able to concentrate on my work nor come up with any solutions to my dilemma. 

I've opened the fridge and I can't work out what exactly I planned to make this evening. I'm standing staring waiting for something to occur to me. 

"You know, Dean, the TV has more happening if you're looking for action to watch." 

I jump back from the open refrigerator door. "I didn't hear you come in." 

"No, I guessed that. You've been watching the food for a good ten minutes since I came in, so have you decided what we're having yet?" 

"Er, no, not really." 

"What's the problem?" 

"Guess I'm just not inspired tonight."

"You okay?"

"Of course, just you know, not in the mood. How about I treat us all to take-out?" 

"Sam in a rush tonight?" 

"Not as far as I know."

"Sounds good then." 

We wait for Sam to finish then phone his cell and get him to pick up the take-out on his way home. I feel like I might be saying good-bye to all of this. It isn't a good feeling. 

The meal finished and cleared away and we're say in front of the TV. I've got a book I'm supposed to be studying for tomorrow but I haven't got a clue what it is about. I can't keep track of the conversation Sam and Bobby are having either. In the end, I figure it's pretty pointless my sitting here and it's only making matters worse, so I grab my stuff and say goodnight. I head off to think in peace and hope that I can come up with some sort of solution. 

It doesn't pan out that way. No solution, no sleep and at four I get up, figure I may as well go for a walk as the sun rises. 


	4. Reflections on the Past

_**Chapter 4 - Reflections on the Past**_

"So... rather early for him to go to bed don't you think? You got any ideas what's going on?"

"No more than yesterday, Sam. You?"

"I haven't got anything more from him since the walk. It's got something to do with Dad. There's been no unexplained mail has there?"

"No."

"Phone calls?"

"None."

"I wish I could check his cellphone see if he's called Dad. That might be it. I thought he was over him though. He's definitely worrying about something to do with him."

The older man agreed grimly before adding, "You know why we had take-out? Because he stood looking in the fridge for more than ten minutes and couldn't even tell me what was in there, let alone what he could make from it. It's not like him, well not lately anyway. He's improved so much. Maybe it's just a bit of a relapse, what do you think? A set-back? Maybe the pressure at school is just too much at the minute. We could ease up on him, see what happens."

"We could but I really don't think it's that. Something tells me that it's Dad, but I can't work out how."

"You said he was worried about your Mom as well. What was it he said exactly?"

"He seems to think she'd be disappointed in him for stuff he's done in the past and for cutting Dad off now."

"What did you say to that?" Bobby knew that Sam was not always as tactful as he could be when it came to concerns like this of Dean's .

"Just that unless her priorities were as screwed up as Dad's he'd got nothing to worry about." Bobby knew it probably wasn't the nicest way to say it, but it was true enough.

"I wish I'd known your Momma."

"I wish we knew someone who did. Someone who could point him in the right direction. It's like everything about when we were kids, his perspective is completely skewed. I've got no idea what it was really like."

"You've got to bear in mind, Sam, he was only 4 when she died. What do you remember about being 4?"

"Nothing, I don't think I remember anything particularly from then."

"So he remembers bits because when she died, subconsciously he knew that that was it. There were going to be no new memories, nothing to add to it, nothing to replace it. But remember he was just a baby then too, he didn't understand a lot of what he saw, he didn't know it was going to be important, he didn't know how your Daddy was going to change or even himself. He took on a huge responsibility then, something no-one could have imagined. He tried to show you who she was and how she wanted your life to be. He didn't want you to miss out on her love so he tried to show you how it would have been. Just think what he faced to do that. It wasn't just that your momma and your home went. He lost all the friends, the life, everything he'd known to that point. He had to try and make what he tought he'd learnt apply to your new situation but how could he ever have known what she would want. He's lived his life trying to make her and your Dad proud."

Sam realised he'd never looked at his brother's attempts to recreate their family like that, he'd seen it as wasted effort, dwelling in the past. From his position of being secure with the knowledge that his brother would always be there looking out for him, he'd never worried long about what he'd missed. His resentment of his father stemmed from his father's attitude, he had no memory of his father being different to the man he was now. Dean had known and had spent his life trying to repair the damage done by the demon. Sam felt sorry for the times he had criticised Dean's obsession with the past as he was presented with some insight into the motivation behind it. "Why? Why couldn't he just let her go?"

"He couldn't. What would he have had then?"

"He'd have still had me, like I had him."

"Sam, as a child, he loved you with every fibre of his being, there was nothing he wouldn't have done for you. I knew that the first time I met you both. I don't think it's changed that much for him. But then, you were his little baby brother. He had to look out for you, look after you, teach you right from wrong. You couldn't be what he needed. He needed someone to do those things for him. He needed someone to show him right from wrong, how to make decisions. He needed someone to tell him off when he was bad and someone to praise him when he did well or even when he just tried hard."

"He certainly got enough tellings-off from Dad."

"Not at the right times though. Not when he deserved them."

"What do you mean, not when he deserved them? Dad was always laying into him."

"Okay... when Dean was about 9, he got into trouble at school for bullying some other kids. School called your Daddy in but he just thought it was funny. Afterwards, he said it showed Dean would make a good hunter, he could find the weak point of what he was hunting."

"So what happened? Why did Dean do that? I don't remember him ever really being cruel."

"I'd have to guess why he did it, but with hindsight, I think it was a cry for help, he needed someone to notice him and he was moving school so often at that stage, teachers barely even knew his name."

"So what changed? I don't remember him getting into trouble like that?"

"Your Daddy went hunting with Daniel Elkins: vampires. They were going to be gone for two or three months so rather than leave you on your own, you stayed with Pastor Jim. It was another new school for Dean. He started picking on this one kid. I remember coming up to see Jim the week he was called in to the school to deal with it. He was horrified at Dean's reaction to being in trouble, so he came down hard on him. Jim grounded him, gave him extra chores, made him help other parishioners, and in the end he helped Dean make friends with the kid he'd been bullying. Dean lapped up the attention he got every time he did something right. By the time your Daddy got back, Dean was a different child. He knew how to direct his energy, looked out for kids who were being bullied and helped them, took the bullies down a peg or two. Even more important, if he ever wanted to know what was the right thing to do, he spoke to Jim. Jim's opinion became his guiding star when he couldn't fathom what your Dad wanted."

"I never had Dean pegged as the religious type."

"It had nothing to do with the religion and everything to do with the time, the interest, the parenting that Jim was willing to do. The mistake I think Jim made was in saying to Dean things like, 'Your momma would have liked that.' or 'That would let your momma's memory down.' It was good because Dean still needed to know that she would love him but it seems to have left him with a misguided needed to get things right for her. Now he hasn't got her and he hasn't got Jim."

"So why has it never been a problem for me? I never played up at school and stuff like that."

"You didn't need the attention. You had someone teaching you about right and wrong, telling you to try hard, praising you for doing well or just trying. Dean did all that for you."

"I guess. I never really thought about it, but he was always there for everything I asked. He got a real crap deal, didn't he?"

"But on the whole, he came out okay."

"So did Pastor Jim know Mom?"

"I don't think so. I think he just used to make assumptions about what she would have wanted. Tried to balance out your Dad, I suppose."

"So what do we do about Dean now?"

"Just keep watching I suppose. Wait and see what happens."

* * *


	5. Countdown

_**Choices**_

_**Chapter 5 - Countdown**_

It's a warm night, morning, whatever. I leave the house but don't really feel like walking far. Instead I just sit on the porch steps and look at the changing colours of the sky. It's funny because when I was in the hospital, Sam went on and on about us seeing the sun rise, how beautiful it was going to be, how it was free. Now I'm out and you'd never see geekboy up at this time of the morning. Same can't be said of Bobby however.

"You're up early."

"You too. What are you doing out here so early, Dean?"

"Thought I'd watch the sunrise."

"You okay? Sam said he thought you were worrying about your Momma?"

"I'm fine. I'd just got myself to wondering what she'd have thought of what we're doing. But you know what? She's dead, Bobby and has been for 23 years and I have no idea what she would have wanted, who she would have wanted us to be. So I guess there's no point wasting time wondering is there?"

"What are you wondering about in particular?"

"It's fine. Sam's doing well, she'd like that, I think, him in a bookstore. I mean a lawyer would have been better but I think she'd understand."

"What about you?"

"I think she'd laugh, me in school at 27, worrying about assignments and exams but it's better than hustling pool and cards so what the hell, she'll have to take me as I am, won't she?"

"And your Dad?"

"Well, he's not exactly impressed with either of us right now is he? Sam ignoring his phone calls, me with a new number and not letting him know, and both of us staying with his number one fan. It's just what he wants!"

"Sam'll be up soon. You going for the bathroom first?"

"I suppose. I might even see if I can't rustle up some breakfast."

"Sounds good. You going in with Sam today or am I giving you a lift?"

"If you don't mind, I'll get a lift from you. Sam starts too late but I'll come home with him. I could do with some time in the library." It's the one thing I have managed to sort - an excuse for not needing a lift straight home and it shouldn't have taken me that long to work it out either.

It isn't until I'm in the shower that I realise my mistake in the way I spoke about Dad. I said I knew he'd been calling Sam and that he didn't have my number. I hope Bobby didn't pick up on it.

I am out of the shower straightaway and Bobby hasn't yet caught up with Sam, so I should be okay so long as I don't leave them any time alone to talk. How stupid was that! It's so easy to slip up. Lying used to be easier when the people I was lying to didn't really matter to me.

I manage to get Bobby into the truck without leaving him any time to talk to Sam. By the time he gets back from dropping me and finishes his other jobs, Sam should be safely on his way to work.

I stilll haven't worked out what I'm going to say to Dad. I suppose the only thing I can do is hear him out and then hope inspiration comes to me then.


	6. Pieces of a Puzzle

_**Choices

* * *

**_

_**Chapter 6 - Pieces of a Puzzle**_

Bobby let Dean out and pulled off quickly down the road. He checked his rearview to make sure Dean went into the centre, then pulled into the nearest parking lot and reached for his phone.

"Sam? You driving yet?"

"I haven't left yet. Why?"

"I've not got it entirely figured, but Dean has definitely spoken to your Dad."

"How'd you work that out?"

"He told me. He didn't mean to mind, but there you go."

"When?"

Bobby explained about the early morning conversation on the porch.

"I agree it sounds like they've been talking. Dean must have called him. That's the only explanation."

"See I don't know. I just don't think he would have called him just now, it doesn't make sense. Why now? And if he planned and made the call, why would he react so bizarrely? There's more to it, Sam."

"What then?"

"I don't know. You'll have to see if you can get him to let anything slip when you pick him up this afternoon."

"I'm not picking him; he's coming back with you."

"No, he's not, so I think we know when he's seeing your Dad. Have you got time to find his timetable and see what time he's through before you leave the house?"

"I'm already looking. I've got it. 12, he should finish at 12."

"What sessions has he got? One on ones or classes? When is he in class and who with?"

"A mix but he's in class with... um... Rachel at half past ten. Does that help?"

"Yep. I'll call Mark then see if he's there, if he's been skipping out and what special arrangements there are for today. I'll call you at work, let you know what's happening."

"Do you want me to call in sick?"

"You can't go down to the centre if you've called in sick - it's too close, can't risk someone seeing you and you losing your job. Let me see if I can work out what's going on. Maybe we can sort it in your lunch break or something like that."

"Fine, just let me know. Christ! Why now? This is all we need."

"Don't worry. He's not stupid. He'll do the right thing."

"I'm glad you're so confident because judging by the conversations we've had over the last couple of days I'm not. Dad knows how to play, you know that don't you?"

"I do, Sam, don't worry. I have faith in him because I believe I know the choice he'll make when he's pushed."

Sam found that hard to believe. "Yeah, what's that?"

"You, Sam. He'll choose you. That's what it will come down to. I think he's spent the last couple of days trying to sort out a way to get you both. He knows that won't happen, so I believe he'll choose you over your Dad because being 'a good brother' is more ingrained than being 'a good son'."

"What about 'a good soldier'?"

"Well, I suppose we've just got to hope that brother is still more important than that and we've got to be ready to back him up. Sam, if he makes the wrong choice, you still need to be prepared to take him back when your Dad lets him down again. You need to forgive Dean if he gets it wrong. You can't forget how much harder this is for him."

Sam sounds baffled, "What do you mean if he makes the wrong choice? You just said he'd choose me over Dad."

"If your Dad pressures him too much, he might go with him. It's going to be up to you to keep the lines of communication open so he knows he can come back."

"He can't go to him, he can't drive. Dean can't leave town on his own."

"Sam, think about it. The other possibility is that your Dad's already in the area. If he is, you've already said he knows how to screw up Dean's thinking. Face to face will be even harder for Dean to stand his ground whatever he wants. Look, I'll go down to the centre about 12 and see what happens. Let's hope he heads for the town library which is what he said he was going to do. If I see any sign of your Dad or of Dean doing something unexpected, I'll let you know. I'll also see if I can head off any problems."

Sam sighed, "Okay, just let me know, huh! I hope to God that you're wrong and he's not here. Dean doesn't need this screwing up right now! For that matter, nor do we."

"Hopefully, everything will be fine, Sam, just don't worry too much yet. He's often stronger than we give him credit for."

"Not since the accident."

"Believe in him, Sam."

* * *


	7. A Choice needs to be made

**_Choices_**

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**_Chapter 7 - A Choice Needs to be Made_**

It's been a waste of everyone's time my being here this morning. Even Mark, who's ever the optimist, said almost as much, before sending me packing from our session, suggesting that I spend some time on my own working because, despite his help and how much I usually enjoy his sessions, my heart really isn't in it today.

It's the end of the morning and I've hung back as long as I can. I'm already twenty minutes late and I can find no excuse left to stay behind. Mark is watching as I have packed and repacked my bag. He's on the phone but I see him hang up and start across as if to talk to me, I grab my bag and hoist it on to my shoulder before heading out through the door. I've barely opened the door when I see _**him**_ parked glaring at the bottom of the steps. This is going to be one hell of an argument when I tell him about my injury and that at least for the minute hunting is out of the question.

"Hi Dad. I'm sorry I got delayed. You okay? Where are you staying? Somewhere near here?" I can hear myself babbling.

"Shut up and get in the fucking car. You're late and I've got better things to do than sit here waiting for you."

"I thought maybe we could go to the diner across the road to talk."

"What makes you think there's time to waste? I have a hunt planned so where is your stuff? I have delayed long enough waiting for you."

"Dad. We agreed to meet for a chat. Not to me coming with you. It's not good timing right now for me to be coming on a hunt with you."

"Cut the crap, Dean and get in the car."

"No, sir." I can feel the panic rising in me. I've been weeks without an attack now but I don't know if I can hold it together in the face of his anger.

"No sir?" his voice is cold, his eyes hard and I feel as if cascading waves of anger are hitting me and forcing me under. "You think we're playing a game, boy? Get in the car, before I get out and get you. You want a scene? You always were an attention-seeking little bastard."

I stumble back from the car and up the first of the steps to the centre. "Dean!" I can feel every ounce of his disapproval in the one word. My breathing is all over the place, I know I've got to do something to get the situation under control before I lose it completely.

"Dad, please. I can't hunt..."

"You can hunt, you're just selfish enough to leave me to do it alone. Do you realise I've lost track of the demon again because of your ineptitude, your weakness. You owe it to me to be alongside me now."

"But Sam..."

"You spoilt him. He's not a soldier. He's not like you Dean. Now do you want to leave me to face this alone. I could die you know. How would you feel then?"

"I... I... Dad... I can't..."

"Get in the car." He opens the car door and comes towards me.

"No." I retreat up another step, I know now for certain in a way I had never been **so** sure of I don't want to be with him. I am willing to give him up to keep what I've got. Sam's right, but I want him to understand I want... I realise that what I want can never happen, we can't part on good terms.

"Dean!" There is no love, no care, no consideration in his voice. I am nothing more than a tool.

"Dean!" I look towards the new voice. "I'm glad I caught you, I was worried I'd missed you." As he speaks, Mark comes down the steps and stands between Dad and I, never even acknowledging him. "I need you to look at something for me. There's a bit of confusion over some paperwork, can you give me a hand now? It'll only take a minute." As he speaks, I am vaguely aware that he has taken my elbow and turned me back toward the building again.

I go with him up the steps, glad to have an excuse to escape. I look back over my shoulder and know it's over between us. I've found a life I want to keep and that wanting him to be a part of it isn't going to happen. I'm okay with that. I can actually say that I can move on, I don't need him to be a part of my life. I've got what I need: Sam and friends. Walking beside Mark I realise for the first time in years, it's what I've got: friends. Bobby, obviously; Rosie, she may be Sam's girlfriend but we get on well, Mark, Rachel and my classmates. For the first time I am part of a community, not just the education centre but the town as well. I chat with old men in bars, women in the mall. I sit in the diner and pass the time of day with the customers and staff. They know I'm Dean, they know I was in that car crash but it doesn't matter because they know that and then they take the time to get to know me.

I look at Dad and hear him say "Dean!" again, expecting an immediate reaction. I shake my head and say "Sorry" to him for the last time. There is a lifetime wrapped up in that one word, a lifetime I'm stepping away from, a life that is over. I look into his eyes and see nothing, they are cold and empty. "It's over, don't come back for me."

As I look away, I know that the Dad I have lived for all these years, died in the fire with Mom. The shell that was left has gradually replaced the love and happiness with the need for revenge and from that has grown hatred. For the first time, I can pity him but know that I have done as much as I could do for him, but no more. It's over now.

I don't look back again. I head into the building with Mark. I remember the positive feeling I had the day I decided going back to school was the right thing to do. Today's feeling is better. I feel as if, for the first time in years, a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I am free to move on. I feel as if I can lay the ghost of Mom to rest. I do want to hunt again, but not for it to be the sole purpose of being alive. I will also hunt the demon that killed Mom and Jess because I do want it all to be over. But I will never hunt with him again.

* * *


	8. Help is at hand

**_Choices_**

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**_Chapter 8 - Help is at Hand_**

Bobby parked down the road from the education centre at twenty to twelve, making sure the truck was concealed from immediate view if Dean were to come past. He took a walk round the area, looking for any sign of John. Back outside the centre, he saw John pull up outside at five to twelve. He moved to the position he had decided on with the clearest view of the steps up to the building without being seen. It was close enough to hear some conversations.

Twelve came and went as he watched and waited. He saw the expression on John's face grow darker and wondered where Dean had got to.

At ten past twelve, he phoned Mark. He figured that maybe Dean had already left in order to avoid the confrontation. He didn't know what to think when Mark explained that he could see Dean in the corridor near the front door, it looked as if he were delaying leaving. Bobby made a rapid decision and asked Mark to deliver a message if he could catch Dean before he left, offering him a lift in ten minutes if he wanted to hang on. As Mark came back to the phone to say he hadn't been able to catch Dean, Bobby had already seen him emerge from the building.

Used now to watching Dean for signs of how he was feeling, Bobby realised the practise he's had over the months since the accident stood him in good stead now, when he could tell on first sight that Dean was tense and edgy. Bobby heard the first exchange. "Hi Dad, sorry I got delayed." It removed any doubt from his mind that the two had already met and that John was the source of Dean's current state of distraction. "You okay? Where are you staying? Somewhere near here?" Bizarre as it seemed, Bobby was certain that Dean's babbling lines of questions indicated that he wasn't comfortable with his Dad being there, which Bobby took to mean that John had made the initial contact. It highlighted how vulnerable their plan to keep John away from Dean had been.

Both men's reaction to John's answer told Bobby the final information he needed: John had come for Dean and Dean didn't want to go. Bobby listened to the two of them talk and heard Dean's attempt to reason with his father, his attempt to calm the situation and the first of the warning signs of an impending panic attack. He heard John's threats and accusations and hated standing by letting John tear down Dean's confidence again. But the one things he was sure of was the need for Dean to know it was over because he couldn't keep letting John back into his life to repeat the damage.

"You always were an attention-seeking little bastard." Bobby had heard more than enough, he had to put a stop to this, it couldn't keep on.

He dialled Mark's number again, "Mark, it's Bobby... I don't have time to explain, but I need you to do something for me urgently... Dean is on the front steps of the centre talking to someone. I need you to interrupt them, don't speak to the guy, just to Dean, get him back into the building as quick as you can. Thanks I'll be in touch as soon as I can."

As soon as he finished speaking, he scrolled down to Sam's number and started to speak as Sam picked up. "Sam, what time's lunch? Can you get to the education centre? He's here now. I want this finished for good. I'll see you here in a few minutes."

Bobby saw Mark lead Dean up the steps to the door. He saw Dean turn back to John and held his breath as he waited to see what would happen.

He heard the word "Sorry" and the final tone it carried. When he heard Dean add, "It's over, don't come back for me." relief ran through him. For the first time, Dean was truly ready to move on with his life.

He watched John Winchester and wondered how the boys had done so well with this wreck of a man for a father. Bobby recognised that the end was approaching for John. He'd seen it before: hunters, born, honed and killed by their desire for revenge, losing sight of the goodness left in the life around them. They usually didn't last as long as John had. Bobby had always suspected that it was Dean's tenacity that had kept him going this long. Dean had never failed to hang on to the dream of making his family right and so he had thrown himself into every role his father had demanded - brother, soldier, hunter, with it came Dean's belief that he could make everything right and that had kept John alive, kicking and believing he could get revenge.

Bobby walked up behind John. "I think it's time we moved away from here, John."

"What are you doing here?"

"I came to talk to you."

"He told you then, snivelling little..."

"He didn't need to tell me anything. You want to kill your boy, John. Is that what Mary would have wanted?"

"Leave my Mary out of this."

"Did you? Or did you pull her out to throw at Dean, along with any other guilt trips that sprang to mind. You really want to kill your boy, John?"

"Kill him?"

"He's not recovered from his injuries."

"After all this time! He's just playing on it. You see, Bobby, you couldn't keep your family alive, you lost them all. I protected my boys from the demon and all the stuff since. You... You had nothing left but memories. Is that why you've tried to steal my family? I've told you before to keep your hands off." John turned aware of another presence behind him, surprised to see Sam. Bobby nodded to Sam.

"No Dad. Bobby didn't need to steal anything. You gave it up. You gave it up when Mom died and you left Dean to bring me up. You sacrificed any right to be a father when you let him leave school, when you kicked me out, when you put him in hospital. The day you walked out of that hospital, leaving me sick and Dean to die, you died as far as I'm concerned."

"You always did have a smart mouth, Samuel. He spoilt you, you know that, ruined you. You could have made a decent hunter if you'd applied that intelligence to something worthwhile."

"You prove my point. Spoilt or not, the fault is yours. A decent father would never have expected a six year old to care for a two year old."

"Oh, Dean been whining about his sorry lot to you."

"He doesn't need to. I knew enough people who knew how wrong it was, Bobby, Caleb, Pastor Jim. Do you want me to go on or will that do for you?

"John, both boys have made it clear. You're not wanted."

"I notice you removed the weak link from the scene, Bobby. Nicely done. You know Dean will want back in with me. It's only a matter of time."

"No Dad, it's not." All three men turned in surprise to look at Dean as he stood at the door watching and listening to them. "You're wrong. I may be the weak link. I may be pathetic, selfish and all the other things you've called me over the years but be sure of one thing - I agree with them. I want nothing more to do with you. You should leave."

"Looking for the easy way out again, Dean? Think you're going to be able to protect him on your own? We know what a bang up job you've done of that in the past."

"We're through, you should go."

"Not even going to answer me, Dean. Did I hit a nerve there? Say something that you know is true?"

"Go." Dean's voice remained quiet but firm.

"What? Still no answer, boy?"

"He doesn't need to answer. I'm still here and I'm with him, not you, so if you are in any doubt over who protected me, take that into consideration." Sam moved to stand alongside his brother. "It's over."

"John, leave now but know this for your Mary's memory and Jim Murphy's, I'll look out for your boys and if there's any goodness left in your heart, you'll be glad of it."

John Winchester cast one last look over the three men in front of him. He lingered on Dean as if searching for any signs of weakness, then turned back to his car, climbed in and drove away.

"Thank god that's over." Both Bobby and Sam turn to Dean.

"You okay, dude?"

"Sure. I'm just glad you were there. Both of you."

"Dean, you only ever had to ask. You don't have to go through this alone."

"I know that... now."


	9. The Future Starts Here

_**Choices

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_**Chapter 9 - The Future starts here**_

It's been more than five months since Dad left and things are so much better than before. I'm glad Dean knew it was time to finish it. I've wanted to ask him what made him decide in the end but sometimes I think it's safer not asking; it leaves it in the past where it belongs.

The changes in our lives since that day have been positive overall. At first I think both Dean and I were waiting for the other shoe to drop, but now we just take the rough with the smooth and plod onwards.

I look at Dean and he seems so different. He is leaning out against the porch railings chatting and laughing with Bobby as he waits for a lift. His easy laughter is back, and while at times he can still be sarcastic, I have noticed how often he uses a gentler humour.

As the pain from his injury vanished, his confidence reappeared and now he is healthy again and, I think, happy. When Dad left, Dean's chest began to heal properly, the pain waned and now it has faded back to just another scar. It was almost as if the unresolved situation was stopping the healing. Once Dean accepted it was over then he truly began to heal.

I am still working at the bookstore and things are going well with Rosie. I am even meeting her parents this weekend.

Dean got his school diploma nearly three months ago now and went straight on to studying for further exams. He is looking into distance learning for a degree but doesn't seem sure whether it's what he wants. He still works part time for Bobby and has managed to pick up plenty of other work fixing things. He's always been good with his hands and seems to be able to repair a multitude of things. It doesn't seem to matter whether he needs carpentry skills, building skills or whether it's something electronic, he can fix it. He spends a lot of time with Rachel although they both deny that they are 'going out together' and are happy as 'just friends'. I suspect there is more to it but is something new for him so I figure it's better if I don't push! She's nothing like Cassie, who's probably his only other attempt at a long-term relationship. She is gentle, nurturing but with a wicked sense of humour. Between her working at the centre and her kids, it's not often the two of them get a proper night out. Rosie offered to look after the kids tonight so the two of them are off out. Dean can drive again now but hasn't yet replaced the Impala, he tends to fit his schedule around other people and just gets a lift when he needs one. He occasionally borrows my car or Bobby's truck but doesn't seem to be in a rush to get his own.

We went on a hunt for the first time last weekend. It was strange but it felt right. It was a haunting. The three of us went and it was simple. Even though the dynamic was different and new, it worked well. It's the nearest I've seen Dean to a panic attack since Dad's visit as he swung from worrying about whether we were prepared, did we know enough, how was he going to protect us both, to remembering past hunts that had gone wrong. He was a nightmare to live with for the week running up to us going. I'd have really lost it with him, if it weren't for Bobby. Listening to him calm Dean and reason with him, deflate his fears, point out the changes in how we would work, helped us both I think. I walked in to hear Bobby say to Dean, "You know your Dad was wrong. You always protected Sam fine and you'll do fine in the future. You know not to listen to what he said."

"I know."

"Dean, the difference is you're not on your own anymore. Sam's old enough to look out for himself, me and you. I'm there too. We'll all look out for each other."

I remember Dad's accusations that Dean had never protected me well enough and realise that much as we've moved on from that time, some things will come back to haunt us time and again and this is one of those times. My patience with him is renewed and in the end, we survived both the week and the hunt injury free.

I don't know what, if anything, Dean has told Rachel about the hunting. He did tell Cassie and it ended badly for him, even after she experienced it for herself. I didn't tell Jess. I have decided to this time with Rosie, I don't want any secrets.

I give Dean a lift to Rachel's, having suggested to Rosie that I hang out and help with the kids, get us take out once they're in bed. I figure we can chat on neutral ground.

When we arrive, two of the kids come running out excitedly shouting, "Uncle Dean, Uncle Dean." He's barely out of the car, when the youngest has jumped into his arms. Dan dissolves into the giggles as Dean tickles him. His brother, CJ is walking beside them with a frown.

"What's the problem, CJ?" Dean asks.

"He should grow up. He's such a baby always jumping up on you like that," answers the six year old, in all seriousness.

Dean smiles, winks at Dan as he passes him to me, putting his finger to his lips to tell Dan to be quiet. He shrieks with delight and giggles again attempting to bury his head in my shoulder to hide the noise. Meanwhile Dean has CJ in his arms and is tickling him as he squirms and laughs.

"So too old for this now, big guy huh?"

"Stop!"

"You too grown up?"

"Yeah," he says before throwing his arms around Dean's neck. "I missed you, Uncle Dean. You going to help me with my math homework?"

"Not tonight. How about I come by tomorrow?"

"Can't you do it now?"

"I have an appointment. Remember we spoke about appointments."

"When you say you'll meet someone and you have to do it."

"That's right. Look." The two of them have reached the steps to the house and Dean sets CJ down and fishes out a small diary from his pocket. The two of them sit on the step and Dean opens the diary and shows CJ his appointment.

"It's with Momma. That's okay, Momma can wait, it'll be fine."

"No. Remember appointments have to be kept unless you're real, real sick."

"Yeah." CJ sounds sulky, then as suddenly brightens, "Maybe we could make an appointment for tomorrow," he suggests.

"Good idea." Dean smiles at him and CJ seems to glow with pleasure. "I tell you what I have an appointment at 1 o'clock near here tomorrow, so how about we meet at 12 o'clock?"

"Where's the other appointment?"

"Em's room."

"12 is before 1 on the clock, right?"

"Right."

"So me before Em?"

"That's right."

"Yeah. 12 o'clock sounds good. Write it down, 'cos you can't forget. It's an appointment."

Dean carefully writes the appointment in his diary as CJ watches and nods his approval. I walk into the house with Dan still in my arms and hear CJ saying "I'm your first appointment right. You won't make one before me, will you?"

"Hey Sam." Rachel smiles, "Dean not with you?"

"He's making an appointment with CJ for tomorrow."

"He has the patience of a saint with that child, I swear."

"Momma, Uncle Dean tickled me."

"Really! Now that is a shock. Is Aunt Rosie here yet?"

"Rosie Posie," Dan sings. "Uncle Dean!" He twists in my arms reaching for Dean again as he walks through the door.

"Monster!" is the reply as Dan goes back to him growling. It dawns on me that regardless of Dean and Rachel's claims to be 'just friends', Dean has become more than that to the youngest of her children.

"So where's Em?"

"Em's in her room. Sssssh!" says Dan with an exasperated look. "Em's always Ssh! Em doesn't play no more."

"Em works hard now."

"Too much," he says with a groan. "When I'm big like Em. I'm not going to work so much. I'm going to play. Work is yucky!"

"Maybe, monster, maybe." Dean smiles again, "Let's go see Em for a minute and say 'hello'."

"I got new 'jamas."

"Wow!"

They walk down to Em's room talking about Dan's new 'jamas until they vanish from sight.

"So Sam, are you stopping with Rosie or just dropping Dean off?"

"Thought I'd stop if you don't mind."

Rachel smiles and says, "It's not like you're teenagers who I need to worry about. Or are you? Is there something I should be concerned by? Are my children safe left with you?"

"The children will be fine. I promise we'll behave."

"Don't worry. I wonder how Dean's getting on with Em. I'm sure something is upsetting her but I don't know what and she wouldn't say. I just hope you never have it so difficult, Sam. Three kids and none of them alike. Do you know your brother is great with them all. He's too much of a pushover, but they all love him to bits."

"He's got a way with kids. I think it's 'cos he's just a big kid himself."

"I don't know about that, Sam. I do know he's a good man. Look are you okay on your own, if I just finish getting ready. Rosie should be here any time and then we'll shoot off."

After Dean and Rachel leave, Rosie puts Dan to bed and I play snakes and ladders with Em and CJ. Two games later and it's CJ's bedtime and Em decides to return to her room leaving us in peace.

I begin to tell Rosie about the hunting, struggling to make it sound like nothing much.


	10. Telling the Truth

_**Choices

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_**Chapter 10 - Telling the Truth**_

She looked at me slightly askance at first but didn't say anything too much, more kind of changed the subject. About half an hour later, she said "Dean's injuries, his chest that wasn't from the car crash, it was something you were hunting, wasn't it?"

"Yes" is the only answer I can give her. The conversation lulls for a while as we continue eating. "Sam... I don't want you to get the wrong impression but I've 'seen' Dean when he was in the hospital, when we were taking care of him. His body is..." her voice peetered out as she doesn't know how to describe it.

"I know, Dean's been unlucky in the past." I feel like a traitor, Dean hasn't been unlucky, he's had to fight battles alone when Dad or I should have supported him. He's bee left to treat his own injuries when he should have had help. I wonder how I can reassure her that she doesn't need to worry. I've seen enough of Dean's injuries to know how horrific it must seem to her right now, particularly those the demon gave him. "Rosie..."

"Sam, stop. Listen, I think I understand. My uncle is a fireman. He risks his life to save other people's. You do the same sort of thing. Just promise me: you'll always be careful and you'll always choose to stay alive over saving someone else. And if you do get injured, get it seen to properly, even if its only me and not at a hospital. Your scars are nowhere near as bad as his but I don't want you to go through that. I like Dean, don't get me wrong, I don't like the idea of him suffering like that, but Sam, you've obviously taken better care of yourself than he has. Don't let that change."

I understand what she's saying, but it only makes me feel more treacherous. "Rosie, it's never been like that. If I got hurt, Dean always took care of my injuries, but there were never that many because he always used to make sure he took the brunt of an attack. I stopped hunting, went to College. There was no-one left to help him. Dad stopped helping him when he got hurt. He had to do it himself. It's why some look so bad. Dad wouldn't have let him go to hospital unless it was life-threatening and when I left he just got harder and harder on Dean."

"Sam? When Dean was in hospital last time, you came in having been in a fight?"

"Dad... he wanted me to leave Dean. He figured he was dying anyway so there was no point in my hanging around."

"He'd have left him to die alone! What about you?" She sounds really shocked.

"No, I wouldn't leave him. I suppose you need to understand this, I need you to know it. If Dean needs me, I'll always go wherever he is, whatever the situation. I've realised this year, I have to do this for him, even if he doesn't ask, I..."

"Sam, that's not what I meant. I've seen how close you two are. I understand. I'd do anything for my sister. What I meant was, would he have left you?"

"I don't know, probably. He told me never to come back when I went to Stanford."

"You did though, Why?"

"Dean. He came for me. I went with him, not Dad."

"So when you fought, that was the last time you saw him?"

"No I've seen him once since; about five months ago."

"He came back after you fought?"

"For Dean. He wanted him to go back with him."

"He didn't go."

"Not anymore, no. At last, Dean's been able to turn away. He's realised that Dad isn't worth losing his life over."

"So he's gone for good?"

"We can hope so."

"I'm sorry, Sam."

"Why?"

"For pushing you to meet my family, for saying those things about Dean, for your Dad. I don't know all of it, I guess."

"I want to meet your family, I think anyway! Dean... well he's easy to misunderstand. It's only realy since the night he got so hurt and even more since we've lived here that I've begun to understand him. It's deliberate on his part. The big tough pain in the ass attitude is to hide how vulnerable he is. I've known him my whole life and onyl realised it in the last year. I don't expect other people to know. It's why he does it: he's hiding. Dad's no loss anymore. We had people like Bobby when we were young and I always had Dean. So we're okay?"

"I guess. I can't promise not to worry though."

"I understand."

"Has Dean told Rachel?"

"I don't know. He... he told someone once before, she kicked him out. She called him when something happened but then said she wanted nothing more to do with him. He was really hurt. I don't think he could cope with being hurt again."

"Give Rachel some credit."

"That's the point, I do. She'll do what's right for the kids first. Dean won't come ahead of them. He wouldn't want to. Dean understands it, trust me, Dean knows what its like to be a kid who isn't put first, he would put her kids first too. Anyway..."

"Sam, sometimes you don't see what's in front of you. I think you walk around with your eyes closed. They'll both be hurt if anything happens and yes Rach will put the kids first but she will not willingly hurt Dean either. He needs to be honest with her."

In the end I agree to talk to him about it and get her to agree to not mention it but I can't help wondering how exactly I'm supposed to tackle the subject without him reacting badly. In the meantime, I'm relieved she's taken it so well and that she doesn't seem inclined to kick me out. Knowing how Cassie treated Dean didn't inspire me with confidence when I started the conversation. On the whole I think I've got off very lightly.


	11. The Future Beckons

_**Choices

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_**Chapter 11 - The Future Beckons**_

I think the older I get, the more selfish I become. I don't want this life I'm leading now to change. I figure the boys and I are family now. Dean seems settled and happy with Rachel and content with the life here. Just those few months ago, when John tried to take him again I was truly worried for him but now I know if he came by again, neither boy would hesitate to send him packing.

I keep my ear to the ground for news of him because without his boys, I am sure his days are numbered. The last I heard, he was spending his days drinking himself into oblivion. I have no intention of telling the boys this, in case it brings back Dean's guilt.

Dean's strength and vigour are back. He is happy and laughs freely. Rachel and the children have started to visit more frequently. Dean and the children tramp through the woods exploring, while Rachel marks work on the porch or relaxes with me. Some afternoons, he collects them from school and he gets invites to many of their school events. I can see him growing closer to them all and wonder how long it will be before he leaves Sam and I to live with them.

Sam is less settled now. He and Rosie seem to be going through a rocky patch and are finding life harder. I haven't been able to fathom what the problem is. Dean is working on it through and I know he's spoken to them both but as yet nothing seems completely resolved. Sam's mood is enough to drive anyone away at times but Dean is unfazed by it. It serves to emphasise again how Dean's role within the family has always been that of mediator.

I often remember now, the time when I first married and Ellen and I came out to look at this house. We sat on the porch steps and dreamt of our future. We imagined ourselves in a few years with children playing and then years later, converting some of the outlying buildings for each children to have as their own home and how we would watch our grandchildren play. It was a beautiful dream. A dream that was shattered the night my wife and son were killed.

Sitting here now, watching Dean play with Rachel's children, I can feel my Ellen beside me, happy. She's happy that at least now some element of that dream could be filled. The thought occurs that I could offer Dean one of those buildings to make into his own home with Rachel. That selfishly is a way to keep him here, to keep this mismatched family we've become, together. I'll talk with him tomorrow.

I can make the same offer to Sam as well. I could see if it offers him some of what he's searching for - independence but staying with this family.

I settle back in my chair and watch the scene before and feel my Ellen smiling with approval.

We have a new and brighter future before us.

* * *

_**Author's Note:** Thank you to Rae Artemis throughout for encouragement and betaing skills. Thank you also to everyone who has stuck with the story this far. This one is now over but I already have some more new stuff in the works. _

_If "Cruelty" is still out there - I have taken note of your request and have a bit of something written for you but... no more shall pass my lips/typing fingers at this point, but you might want to try and get in touch._

_Good wishes to you all and Thanks for reading._


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